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Me talking to my immune system:
You've seen this virus before. Hundreds of times.

IS: But it looks different.

Me: It's a mutation, but I assure you, it's the same type of virus we had two weeks ago.

IS: I don't know. Maybe we'll watch and see what it does.

Me: Just boot it out now so I don't have to lose my voice, lay around miserable for a week, and buy stock in a tissue company.

IS: No, I think we'll see what it does first.

Me: *cough, sniffle*

IS: Oh what do you know. It is a cold virus! Ok, initiate Protocol Alpha.

Me: Oh ffs. *gets feverish and prays for soup*
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Ana: I'm going with you.
Me: No, you're not. The doctor said to stay off your foot.
Ana: But I want to go outside; it's such a nice day.
Me: 🎶I want to be where the people are ...🎶
Ana: No, that's not--
Me: 🎶I want to see, want to see them dancing. Walking around on those ... what do you call them again? Oh yeah, FEET. 🎶
Ana: Funny.
Me: I thought so.
C: I'll go with you, Mama.
Me: You want to go with me?
Ana: Yeah, everyone is going to go with you to get food.
C: No, Ana. You stay here. You have to stay off the foot.
Ana: No, I'm going with her.
C: No you're not!
Ana: Yes I am.
C: No you're not!
Ana: Yes I am.
(Ad infinitum.)
neversremedy8: (Default)
Me: What do you want for lunch tomorrow?
Ana: I can make it.
M: Why won't you let me make you lunch?
A: You're sick.
M: I'm up, I'm here, you've got a test in the morning, let me make you some food. How about a turkey wrap?
A: No.
M: Ok, how about a ham wrap?
A: No.
M: Smoked salmon and cream cheese wrap?
A: No wraps! I'll look in the fridge in a minute.
M: I can make you a sammich. A nice sammich! *goes to fridge first* How about chips and hummus. We gotta lotta hummus!
A: *groans* I haven't liked that in years. *joins me in the kitchen*
M: We've got cheese. And cheese. And cheese. And, oh yes, more cheese. We've got turkey and ham. We have soup, we have older soup. We have almond milk that may or may not still be good. There's bread and more bread. Uncooked bacon.
A: Can I bake that?
M: Yes, but not tonight, there's no time. Maybe you can make bacon sandwiches for Wednesday.
A: No, not a sandwich, just bacon.
M: Yeah, I've done that. Just bacon in a baggie, it's rather like chewing jerky. Let's see ... we've got snap peas--
A: No.
M: and carrots
A: No.
M: and a lot of greens
A: No.
M: There's tofu, and don't forget the raw eggs. Did I mention we have cold soup?
A: Yes, two kinds.
M: Well, here, at least take this meat stick. That's part of your lunch.
A: Ok. *returns to the fridge*
M: You could just take this huge salami and start gnawing on it. Oh! I've got it. Take this giant tub of yogurt.
A: Plain yogurt! And I wouldn't bother bringing a spoon, just ... *pantomimes chugging it straight*
M: No. You lick it. *laps at an invisible tub of yogurt* But make sure you make eye contact with someone first. Shoot them an angry look and then ... *digs tongue deep and slow into the yogurt* Eye them like a cat, with seething hatred.
A: I wanted to buy a t-shirt that read, "I can't adulting today, I can't even human. I can cat." *grabs a jar from the fridge* How about this big jar of olives?
M: Those are my olives.
A: Jalapeño stuffed olives. I wondered where they went. They were in the back.
M: I put them there so I wouldn't find them. This elimination diet ... for weeks ... I can't have them!
A: *puts the olives back*
M: How about the jar of cashew butter? Sit back in your chair and dip your finger in and lick it off over and over.
A: Not with my finger, with the meat stick!
M: Ew. Yes! Turn the person next to you and say, "My mom wants me to eat more protein."
A: How about this seaweed kraut?
M: Yes! Bring a fork. Dig in deep and make a sour face. Wince a lot as you chew. Take a breath and then ... *digs fork into kraut*
A: Eat it and look miserable all through the math test.
M: Yes! *opens freezer* Ooh. Raw chicken hearts. Take one with a tiny plate, fork, and knife. Cut a tiny sliver off. Take your time. Smell it, savoring the scent of heart's blood. Turn to the person next to you and with an eager, open smile offer them a taste.
A: How about postickers?
M: No time to cook them before your bus. Ok, so what can we do? The meat stick is part of lunch, and here's a golden delicious apple. Another part of lunch. What else? What were you planning for breakfast?
A: ...
M: How about a toasted cheese sandwich?
A: Ok.
M: And for lunch?
A: Quiche?
M: Is it still good?
A: I hope so.
M: I hope so, too, or else you'll be throwing up in the middle of the exam -- or worse! In the middle of reading your lines in drama!
A: Yes! I have to run. A bit. For my character.
M: Oh, your poor feet.
A: Yes. I know. *sighs*
M: Ok. Quiche for lunch, toasted sandwich -- toss some ham into there --
A: Ok.
M: Then we're set!
A: I need a mask.
M: A mask?
A: A simple mask. For tomorrow's class.
M: You come to me at this late hour and ask me for a mask?
A: You sound like the Godfather. "You come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding ..."
M: Yes, well, it's not a simple request you ask of me. You knew you needed this, we were at a convention, and you didn't--!!!
A: ...
M: We might have something. I don't know. In the armoire, maybe.
A: I'll go look in the armoire.
M: No you will NOT touch the armoire! It's hopeless. What did you do with my gold mask?
A: Cold mask?
M: The one you borrowed before.
A: Oh, gold mask. I thought I gave it back to you.
M: ... ok, that won't work then. How about Calcifer's eagle mask?
A: Sure!
M: If it fits.
A: This polar bear mask is perfect.
M: It's too small.
A: It's not too small.
M: It's tight on Cal.
A: How about the glitter cat mask?
M: That'll work. Great! Now lights *points to laundry light still on*
A: Then scene!
M: No, dryer, lights, scene!

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  • Sat, 14:25: RT @oclulouthinator: #gopdnd DM: the elves cast a spell to heal the land GOP: i use nullify magic DM: why? GOP: theres nothing wrong with i…
  • Sat, 14:25: RT @DangerCormick: DM: 8 yrs you've complained, so you're the DM now. GOP: AWESOME! *90 days later* GOPDM: What's "initiative" mean? old D…
  • Sat, 14:25: RT @Kevin_Boyd_: GOP: You were hit for 45 points of damage Player: I use my potion of healing GOP: It doesn't work, this is a preexisting…
  • Sat, 14:25: RT @NYNeoJoey: GOP: I cast Benghazi. DM: *sigh* She makes the saving throw. Again. GOP: I cast Benghazi. #GOPDnD
  • Sat, 14:25: RT @DonatelloEsq: If you're not following #GOPDnD, you're missing out. https://t.co/9QhinmpEH0
  • Sat, 14:26: RT @caine2000: DM: The priest casts a healing spell. GOP: I cast Repeal and Replace. DM: Replace with what? GOP: Believe me, it'll be treme…
  • Sat, 14:26: RT @BacchusFan: DM: A barbarian killed everyone in the tavern. PC: An isolated incident. DM: A drow was caught w/ a crossbow. PC: BEGIN THE…
  • Sat, 14:26: RT @strugglingawake: DM: City is under attack from flying enemies to the East GOP: I cast "Great Wall" to the South DM: But that's not GOP:…
  • Sat, 14:26: RT @BacchusFan: DM: A local virgin was attacked by a bridge troll. PC: No she wasn't. DM: There are witnesses. PC: So why was she on the b…
  • Sat, 14:27: RT @LinkedJourneys: DM: Orcs are approaching your party GOP: I attack my allies DM: But -- GOP: Have to show the orcs I'm not weak #GOPdnd
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  • Sat, 21:09: RT @MamoudouNDiaye: if guns were shaped like vaginas there'd be less violence because so few people would find the trigger

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