side typing

Nov. 8th, 2011 07:24 pm
neversremedy8: (Dancers)
it's hard to tell
new symptoms from old
when the one bleeds
from the other
introducing the system
to an old friend
can instigate conflict
fresh pain blooming
leaving dancer
bereft of legs,
and cook deprived
of the pleasured tongue.
a slow hand moves over keys
seeking out the half-blind
memory of the touch
of language
its mate rests out of the way,
defeated






[i miss dancing and eating without pain; my soul aches with this lack of communion]
neversremedy8: (Sushi)
The bagger at Trader Joe's asked me how my day was, and I said, "It keeps getting better." He said he liked that, that the outlook showed that no matter how bad things start out, the day improves along the way.

Of course, I meant that I woke up in too much pain to stand up straight and walk without hobbling or using a cane, but I slogged through some writing, finally FINISHED MY BED SIDE TABLE PAINTING PROJECT* (*glee* pics forthcoming when I can get downstairs and sit without pain), and then Craig took me to target="chiro">see a chiropractor who was wonderful on all levels. Afterwards, we made it to Rikki Rikki in time for the start of their happy hour, which meant discount prices on exemplary sushi with fresh, giant pieces of sashimi. I had to wear a big belt that the chiro called "velcro city," but it's helping me walk without a cane and sit upright. So when the bagger made the comment, I was already blissed out despite the pain.

When we got home, I mentioned that I'd never been on a chiropractor-sushi date before, and we took out all the garbage/recycling stuff. Then I did something very big, I walked around the corner to where a police officer was sitting and watching traffic, and I said hi, introduced myself, and let him know that if he needs water or a bathroom while he's on our property, he's welcome to come say hello and we'd be hospitable. Why is this big for me? Because ever since the big to do with my former step-father, I haven't been able to talk to a cop, no matter the circumstances, without having a panic attack and shaking afterwards. So I took initiative, hobbled out there in my velcro corset, and shook hands with the man keeping my corner safe. I felt exhilirated, came back, took pics of my knobs* and had two big glasses of water (the chiro wants me to drink a gallon--ha!).


*PROJECT:

A while back, I bought sample sized paint pots from McLendon's with the plan to paint the second hand bed side table I've been using. It was pale blue and stained and the bottom drawer stuck. I wasn't able to sand down the drawer enough to get it to not stick, but I did make the whole thing look better. The body is now nightingale purple (very dark, sumptuous), each drawer knob is turquoise and has an original symbol I created painted in gold, and each drawer represents the four elements. The top drawer is "pumpkin orange" with a symbol for earth, the second is "blushing red" (more pink) with the symbol for air, the third is "dahlia yellow" with a symbol for fire, and the final one is a dark cerulean (I forgot the actual name) with the symbol for water. I put a second coat of paint on each drawer, but the second coat of each is brushed on in waves or lines that emulate the element. I took pictures, but like all good things, y'all'll have to wait. I'm just pleased as punch to have started and finished it. It took extra time because of all the health bumps over the last several days, but it's done. The earth symbol isn't symmetrical like the sketch I drew, but the other three look fab.

Ooh, and the pharm just called, I have Tylenol Codeine awaiting me to kill the pain. Mwahahaha.
neversremedy8: (Mother and Child)
While Craig and I have suffered many a stomach cramp, and I have been quite miserable through the whole thing, feeling exhausted, ill, and just about as terrible as my worst days, Ana told me something very important this morning.

Her stomach doesn't hurt.

So, for the next seven days, I'll be watching her very closely, listening to her and making sure that this lack of pain and discomfort, which has baffled conventional M.D.s for the last three or four years, continues throughout the elimination phase. If it does, then I'm going to be listening even more closely to her when we start adding the gluten, dairy, and eggs back in.

The moment she cries "ow!" we'll likely have our answer.

I'm so angry with her doctor right now for blaming brown rice and corn (Ana barely eats corn) for her stomach troubles, and for trying to get me to irradiate my child just to see if she had a colon blockage. She even prescribed laxatives! I may not agree with everything Craig's chiro/naturopath said, but his method may prove the best way to help a long-term problem for her.

She still wants an allergy blood test, which I'm willing to get for her with her next child support payment since her doctor refuses to do the test (and without her primary physician's approval, we don't get insurance to cover it). And if it turns out she has an allergy? We'll adjust for her.

But I'd like to point out: her stomach doesn't hurt.
neversremedy8: (Not Enough)
To my friends blessed with good health, I need to live vicariously right now. Tell me a fairy tale. Tell me what it's like to live without pain and exhaustion and struggle with everything you do. Describe a day in your life. Describe what it's like to wake everyday not dreading how you'll get through. Seriously.

I can count on one hand the number of good days I've had in the last year, days without pain, without some type of illness, feeling fully cogent, alive, alert, and energetic, and none of those days were consecutive.

I really need to hear good news, good health, be reminded of what it's like. This week hasn't been any harder than any other in the last year, but after so long, having the same level of difficulty each week after week after week without change only makes it harder, because it feels like there's no end in sight. It's rather like our economy. My jobless friends--most of them--finally have jobs, but for all those months and months and months of waiting, worrying, starving, it helped each of them to hear the good news as others started getting work. more and more. Hope and an end in sight.

I don't have either right now. Please tell me a tale. You can make it up, if you'd like.

(x-posted 1st part from FB)
neversremedy8: (A Little Help?)
Craig and I are both experiencing stomach cramps and other gastrointestinal issues that I believe are related to candida fighting for its life. For the first three days I felt, no matter how much I ate, that I was starving. It doesn't help that I just started my moon, either, so I'm all out of sorts and energy-deprived at present.

However, the meals have been tasty despite their lack of wheat and dairy (I don't miss eggs most of the time).

Our menu so far:

Cut for your gluten-loving protection )
neversremedy8: (Spicy)
Tomorrow morning, the whole household is starting an elimination diet, because various insurance companies, doctors, and other obstacles have prevented us from the sweet and swift blood test to see what food allergies each of us might have. Under the advice of a naturopath/chiropath Craig's been seeing, we're eliminating wheat gluten, eggs, and dairy for two weeks. For each week after, we can slowly add them back, and monitor our health along the way.

So tonight, we're having an orgy of dairy and gluten (and to some extent, egg, since these are egg noodles). We're feasting on fettuccine alfredo, broccoli, chicken, and I'm having carrot cake (they're going to have root beer floats). This will guarantee that tomorrow, we'll start good and sick to our stomachs and can base changes from there.

UPDATE: After typing this out and not posting it, we learned that I am still a genius when it comes to cream sauces. Also, PCC's carrot cake was perfect. Why Pomegranate can't make their sumptuous pineapple rum carrot cake without the abundance of sugar in their frosting I don't know, but they should call PCC to find out.
neversremedy8: (Joker Popcorn)
Well, I think I've figured out why I have these sores all over my body. Damn Interesting's List of Food Horrors, includes a small blurb about BVO:

Brominated Vegetable Oil (BVO):
Vegetable oil mixed with bromine. According to webelements.com, bromine is “a heavy, volatile, mobile, dangerous reddish-brown liquid. The red vapour has a strong unpleasant odour and the vapour irritates the eyes and throat. [...] When spilled on the skin it produces painful sores. It is a serious health hazard, and maximum safety precautions should be taken when handling it.” It is used in to allow artificial citrus flavoring to mix with oil, often in citrus-flavored sodas such as Mountain Dew.

Trace amounts of BVO are stored permanently in body fat when it is consumed. BVO is one of only four food additives the FDA considers “interim,” and it must be periodically re-approved for safety.


For those who didn't know me before I chose to stop eating certain foods (cow, pig, highly processed foods, etc.), I was a Mt. Dew junky. Throughout my mid to late teen years, Mountain Dew (and occassionally Jolt) was my drink of choice. By the time I got addicted to EverQuest, I was drinking half a case a day of Mountain Dew. Coincidentally, it was during these years that I started developing the cysts and sores associated with hidradenitis suppurativa. The symptoms got worse in those last couple of years, until I ran out of money for soda while my partner was on a long-term job down in Nevada. I quit caffeine cold-turkey at that time (and slept for two days straight), and now only partake in a few cups of tea each week, and the sodas I drink are treats I partake in only once in a while and all come from "all natural" and organic companies where I can easily identify ingredients. (Soda's still bad for all the sugar and carbonation, but the stuff I buy now is far less destructive, especially in small quantities than anything Coke or Pepsi ever put into my system.)

Nevertheless, if BVO causes sores and is stored permanently in one's fat (and I've got a lot of fat), would it not stand to reason that it's slowly leaking through my skin? The cysts form in subdermal layers of tissue, thus it is not truly a skin disease, and dermatologists can offer me no aid. I keep looking for answers regarding my health, and I have to wonder if this isn't a real possibility. Or maybe I'm just looking for a culprit to blame, something beyond my genes. :\

And let's hope that the Joker's popcorn doesn't have any "topping."

Follow-Up

Nov. 11th, 2008 04:22 pm
neversremedy8: (Speaking with Spirit)
Last night I posted something in a rather narrow filter for only specific people to read about my feelings of inadequacy in various parts of my life. Today's post is was an evolution from the day before, all part of the process. I then responded to the comment on last night's post that I couldn't find the words for at that point. That comment seems like an important enough follow-up to the changes in myself that it deserves its own post. (Names eradicated to protect the successful.)
You didn't make me feel bad. I made myself feel bad by measuring myself against someone else. Please don't censor your sharing, it does help me more than I can say. If I see myself reflected in your words and find my reflection inadquate, it is not in any way your doing.

Recently I have reconnected with people of my past. G. is a successful actress and evey playwright (she just had a tour of her play), B. is now a man and a successful writer of erotic non-fiction, V. lived out her dream of being a fashion model and is now a rather successful photographer. And now you've made a major change in your life where you've followed the knowledge of exactly what you needed to do and went out to do it. Your (ally'all's) experiences are inspirational.

I just look at all of what each of you have achieved, and I feel that I don't have the same level of success. I may blame my choice to have a child young, or my procrastination, but I think a lot of it has to do with not being ready to accept my "good work" in this world. I think I don't see myself as successful, because I don't have the tangible, material success to show for it. I don't have a novel published, I didn't explore my acting abilities (assuming I really had any talent other than an early exploration into it), and I'm not living exactly they way I wished to be (not that I think anyone is necessarily living exactly the way you wish, but I mean to say that there is a great deal of resonance in each of your environments with who you are and what you do).

But I'm starting to wonder if my success is in claiming my good work, in realizing what I need to do and pursuing it. I got into a college pretty much on my essay alone--a college that rejected me out of high school despite my grades and extracurricular activities. Maybe they knew then what I didn't know: that I wasn't ready yet. Getting into university without having to work an outside job is a huge success, even if it's not as tangible as a published book or the royalties that come with it. Being aware of my flaws and working to change my behavior, a long process indeed, is a success of mine. I think I often feel like a failure in these areas because I want everything NOW and I want to be able to hold my success in my hands, not just have some abstract idea of achievement. You know?

Yes, you know.

I love you. Don't blame yourself or use this to censor your words. Be well.
And then there's something I can post later that I wrote about the very basic needs I have in seeing my own self-worth. I'll post it later, even if y'all're tired of reading my "oh-so-amazing-inner-revelations." ;)

Oh and tonight: Repo! The Genetic Opera Aren't I lucky? Ana thinks I am, and she backed it up with examples. Very cute examples. ^_^
neversremedy8: (In the Looking Glass)
It took me two and a half hours to open and close code the interview transcriptions from my conversations with my great aunt Alice. While I did it, I used my TA's suggestion of semantic fields to help me organize certain categories on which I wish to focus for my 5-8 page thesis/ethnography. My thesis paragraph and concept paragraph are both due on Friday. This procedure was totally worth it. No matter what thesis I choose (and I have not yet found the right words to frame my thesis), I have all of the data I need to back up the claims I might make. This is huge to me. I feel very reflective of my own values and views of myself in this light--like I'm more aware of why I have this view of myself that I'm not good at constructing sound arguments, and it stems from Rockie's constant demands to know where I came up with certain ideas, this need for me to always cite my sources, even in casual conversations. Now I have all of my sources cited for this paper, and all I need to do is construct an argument and fill in the pieces with the data I collected. I've never really felt I could do such a thing competently. Even my paper on Sunday, while I had reems of notes on my readings, didn't feel very sound, in part because I didn't give myself enough time to reflect.

Ana's teacher and I had our conference yesterday afternoon and discussed Ana's lack of reflection in her reading. I realized I did something similar, for although I can glean quite a bit of information from a reading, I don't usually dig very deeply into it. I've gotten by most of my life on being able to write bullshit and getting an A on it, because even my casual perusal was usually analytical enough for the average human. Now I have a chance to prove to myself that with a combination of passion, reflection, and serious delving into the data provided, I can create a valid, deep, structure argument. A sound one. Just this morning, I ran into Marco, one of the dads at Giddens and he mentioned needing to write today. I inquired into his project, and he said his "fall project" was looking at the food consumed during year 1 BC. I had a mock conversation with him in my head about how I'd never be able to handle writing non-fiction because I'm not good at backing up my arguments and I didn't want to publish three hundred pages of bullshit. At least with fiction, I can create a universe in which my arguments are always sound and everything works to my rules--and let's not forget the use of poetic language that is often found lacking in historical non-fiction. Anyway ...

I've been rather stressed... )

And the funniest part is, I now have the budding skills of an ethnographer and could print out all that I just wrote about my experiences today, open code each line, create semantic fields, and go back to close code everything in search of points to back up any themes I might wish to focus on. I could gain greater insight into my own views of self, health/sickness, values, and cultural beliefs. Ha! No matter the grades I get, this is the type of learning I was looking for when I returned to college. Gaining more of the skills I feel I need to be a whole, well-rounded human being. I could even manage to analyze my language for patterns in use and how they might connect to cultural contexts.

Oh, and did I mention that my attempts at begging worked? The prof for the BIO-ANTH 477 class, which requires a pre-req in BIO A 201, which I don't yet have, gave me the add codes anyway. I'll get to take a class on viewing human gender evolution in a variety of cultures. Yippee!

Also, yesterday, I sat down and brainstormed the ideas of what my values are for education on becoming a whole human being. I told Ana what I was about, and backed it up by saying, "and you know that these are my values, mommy doesn't actually possess all of these ... yet."

I began with the quote:
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

-Robert A. Heinlein
Emphasis mine for all things I have thus accomplished. I would add a few things to that (e.g. birth a baby), but the concept is what interested me most. That to be whole, one must have exposure to and experience in the basics of a broad range of topics. I told Ana I would type up my ideas later and formulate them into something more eloquent. I asked her if she'd like to read it when I was finished, and she nodded her head adamantly. (I know I did take a look at educational goals I would have for a school if I designed one, but they looked more at classes, and I realized that what I really should like at for my expectations of self, daughter, and future projects, is not a range of classes, but a range of values that could be achieved by a combination of classes, experiences, and other elements.)

At some point I also need to take another look at the recent death and death-related experiences I've had in the last year. I think Ana needs more coping skills offered to her as well, since her main one currently seems to be to ignore the world and plunge into computers and video games. But that's an entirely different post.

I'm out of time now. I need to go get Ana. With my short amount of time left, I could read more of the Hmong book, write up notes for the bio-med timeline I have due on Friday, or write notes for preparing my thesis. I think I've already ruled out reading, because I can do that any time. Note writing seems like a good idea, since I'm so clear and organized in my thoughts right now.

Whatever you take from this, please remember to always take breaks when you feel yourself overwhelmed. Real breaks aren't escapist, they are the exact opposite. Real breaks bring you back into your body and recenter your being on all levels. Find your path to achieving this when you need to. Love to all. Be well.
neversremedy8: (Panic at the Disco Masqued)
First, let me say Blessed Samhain or Dia de los Muertos to those who celebrate.

Should I be on my way to the UW right now dressed in a naughty sweater and draped in my burgundy cloak? Yes. I'm not though. Oh no. I didn't fall asleep until almost 4am, and when I don't get enough sleep for a couple of days in a row, I end up with cold-like symptoms. It doesn't help that there's a cold-infused boy upstairs sleeping right now. I figure I can get more done AND get the rest I need before the party tonight and maybe avoid actually getting sick. At the moment it's just some ear congestion/draining, and I think some tea and warmer clothes will do me in good stead. So will a nap later today. And curry, so I'm going to suggest India for lunch. I don't think I have a virus, but I know my body, and when I don't sleep well enough in a week, I tend to feel like crap by the end of it.

I have a Niko with her face buried into the crook of my arm as I type this. She purrs loudly and sends waves of heat from her body to mine.

There are more emails from the UW staff about the burning yesterday. In some ways, his death feels like a ritual sacrifice, and I feel that though it was a great tragedy and traumtic for those who witnessed it, we should not let such an offering go without honor and respect. No one will know why he did it, and I think it will bother some, but there is energy in there, and I intend to see it to some better, cleansing, healing purpose.

Yesterday as I drove to pick up Ana, the song that made me cry after ... well, everything, turned out to be so poignant in the lyrics, I could imagine this faceless, unknown man singing it in his heart when he decided to bring the gas can with him to the campus that day. Full lyrics are behind the cut, but even the chorus is enough:
And its days like this that burn me
Turn me inside out and learn me

Not to tell you anything I think I know
Well I think I'll tell you all that I know

I don't want to be alone I want to be a stone
I wanna sink to the bottom of the ocean
And lie there with you til I'm gone

Bob Schneider's Big Blue Sea )

And for less intense subjects I present Zombies singing in "Re: Your Brains":



"I Had a Shoggoth" complete with ASL signs for creatures like daleks, cylons, and Cththulu:




And for next week, "Don't Speak for Me, Sarah Palin" to the tune of "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina":



EDIT: Last night I finished my second scarf. It's truly fuckable. Today I have an Artemis costume to make Ana and a Sarah Palin costume to improvise for Craig. I have no idea how I'm going to put all of his hair in a beehive. Or even half of it. Pray my throat feels better by the afternoon.
neversremedy8: (Tea and Rain)
Wow. So very much in pain. I took a nap as soon as I got home, but I survived my first full week of education at the UW. I should be out celebrating, but Craig has my sore throat and my knees are inflamed. Bah!

And the rain has set in, which means fall is charging in and I realize after a stressful trip home that I should get my brakes checked, my tires inspected, and anything else that might impair my ability to stop when stopping needs to happen. It feels as though the left front wheel is wobbly. Not good. Have promised [livejournal.com profile] jrsp that I will bring by the Accord for an oil change and a proper look ... this may happen in the next couple of weeks. Anyone want a Jiffy Lube gift certificate that will expire soon?

I had a lovely time this afternoon eating lunch, drinking tea, and talking with one of the TAs from my Linguistics class about graphic novels and the ills of society. She talks fast and I can, too, so we packed in a lot in an hour and a half. I drank a GIANORMOUS cup of packet chai with sugar in the raw and half-and-half. Mrrow-um.

Unfortunately, I'm still not feeling my groove. The cough/congestion is still lingering and I've been feeling rather old and well, like a giant troll among fairies. Even had a dream about it during my nap today. Blech.

I recommend you all read an inspired and inspiring essay on Joe Six-Pack that speaks to the "average American" and the people Palin thinks she's talking to when she uses the phrase.
neversremedy8: (Eowyn No Man)
A crab that's watched Finding Nemo too many times, rides a jellyfish. Totally hardcore.

I had to remind myself this morning why it was I needed to get out bed. I was convinced that it wasn't really all that important. The dreams and the pillow were calling me back. Ugh. But here I am, ... uh ... raring to go? *flop*

I hate stairs.
neversremedy8: (Insert Chinese Here)
While I thank all of you who suggested I could get inexpensive health care as a student at the UW, I looked into it. For annual coverage, I would owe $4224. After tuition and books, I have about $1000 for the month, so um ... yeah. Maybe I should talk to someone at DSHS and see if I qualify for SOMETHING there.

Bah!
neversremedy8: (Horses Fly)
So how likely is it, four years after working/schooling at North that I would run into one of the coolest people I ever met there here at the UW in one of my classes. Four years, and I run into Consuelo in my Archaeology class. The girl I thought was awesome who likes to "blow shit up" just started here, has the same major, and we're in a fucking class together. Mind blown.

In the first two days I have already learned two very important lessons:
1. I hate stairs.
2. Use a map with the course offerings BEFORE registering and settling on classes.


Science fact: Did you know if you take a large woman with a cold and send her marching up staircase after staircase through thickets of other students and across wide campuses that she'll sweat and cough profusely through her first two hours on campus?

Next lesson to learn: how to be succinct in writing science facts.

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