neversremedy8: (In the Looking Glass)
It took me two and a half hours to open and close code the interview transcriptions from my conversations with my great aunt Alice. While I did it, I used my TA's suggestion of semantic fields to help me organize certain categories on which I wish to focus for my 5-8 page thesis/ethnography. My thesis paragraph and concept paragraph are both due on Friday. This procedure was totally worth it. No matter what thesis I choose (and I have not yet found the right words to frame my thesis), I have all of the data I need to back up the claims I might make. This is huge to me. I feel very reflective of my own values and views of myself in this light--like I'm more aware of why I have this view of myself that I'm not good at constructing sound arguments, and it stems from Rockie's constant demands to know where I came up with certain ideas, this need for me to always cite my sources, even in casual conversations. Now I have all of my sources cited for this paper, and all I need to do is construct an argument and fill in the pieces with the data I collected. I've never really felt I could do such a thing competently. Even my paper on Sunday, while I had reems of notes on my readings, didn't feel very sound, in part because I didn't give myself enough time to reflect.

Ana's teacher and I had our conference yesterday afternoon and discussed Ana's lack of reflection in her reading. I realized I did something similar, for although I can glean quite a bit of information from a reading, I don't usually dig very deeply into it. I've gotten by most of my life on being able to write bullshit and getting an A on it, because even my casual perusal was usually analytical enough for the average human. Now I have a chance to prove to myself that with a combination of passion, reflection, and serious delving into the data provided, I can create a valid, deep, structure argument. A sound one. Just this morning, I ran into Marco, one of the dads at Giddens and he mentioned needing to write today. I inquired into his project, and he said his "fall project" was looking at the food consumed during year 1 BC. I had a mock conversation with him in my head about how I'd never be able to handle writing non-fiction because I'm not good at backing up my arguments and I didn't want to publish three hundred pages of bullshit. At least with fiction, I can create a universe in which my arguments are always sound and everything works to my rules--and let's not forget the use of poetic language that is often found lacking in historical non-fiction. Anyway ...

I've been rather stressed... )

And the funniest part is, I now have the budding skills of an ethnographer and could print out all that I just wrote about my experiences today, open code each line, create semantic fields, and go back to close code everything in search of points to back up any themes I might wish to focus on. I could gain greater insight into my own views of self, health/sickness, values, and cultural beliefs. Ha! No matter the grades I get, this is the type of learning I was looking for when I returned to college. Gaining more of the skills I feel I need to be a whole, well-rounded human being. I could even manage to analyze my language for patterns in use and how they might connect to cultural contexts.

Oh, and did I mention that my attempts at begging worked? The prof for the BIO-ANTH 477 class, which requires a pre-req in BIO A 201, which I don't yet have, gave me the add codes anyway. I'll get to take a class on viewing human gender evolution in a variety of cultures. Yippee!

Also, yesterday, I sat down and brainstormed the ideas of what my values are for education on becoming a whole human being. I told Ana what I was about, and backed it up by saying, "and you know that these are my values, mommy doesn't actually possess all of these ... yet."

I began with the quote:
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

-Robert A. Heinlein
Emphasis mine for all things I have thus accomplished. I would add a few things to that (e.g. birth a baby), but the concept is what interested me most. That to be whole, one must have exposure to and experience in the basics of a broad range of topics. I told Ana I would type up my ideas later and formulate them into something more eloquent. I asked her if she'd like to read it when I was finished, and she nodded her head adamantly. (I know I did take a look at educational goals I would have for a school if I designed one, but they looked more at classes, and I realized that what I really should like at for my expectations of self, daughter, and future projects, is not a range of classes, but a range of values that could be achieved by a combination of classes, experiences, and other elements.)

At some point I also need to take another look at the recent death and death-related experiences I've had in the last year. I think Ana needs more coping skills offered to her as well, since her main one currently seems to be to ignore the world and plunge into computers and video games. But that's an entirely different post.

I'm out of time now. I need to go get Ana. With my short amount of time left, I could read more of the Hmong book, write up notes for the bio-med timeline I have due on Friday, or write notes for preparing my thesis. I think I've already ruled out reading, because I can do that any time. Note writing seems like a good idea, since I'm so clear and organized in my thoughts right now.

Whatever you take from this, please remember to always take breaks when you feel yourself overwhelmed. Real breaks aren't escapist, they are the exact opposite. Real breaks bring you back into your body and recenter your being on all levels. Find your path to achieving this when you need to. Love to all. Be well.
neversremedy8: (Default)
Ana is sick again, and I'm keeping her home today. I have a doctor's appointment set up for later today, just in case she seems to still be in bad shape. She's been much happier today, but she's still tired and she won't eat.

I finally sent my request off to Ave, asking her to consider drawing some of my main characters and maybe some cover art, too. I think it would help keep my mind on track. Although, every time I look at the pictures of Eiri Yuki on my wall, I think of Aithne, and feel the pain of loving a fictional character all over again.

Gahh! It's so frustrating! And I don't really want to work on the story again until I have a computer to work on regularly. After the previous frustration of finding out that months of handwritten material was practically useless (from all of my screw-ups), that I haven't done much actual *writing* of the story since November.

Of course, I have been re-organizing, I'm placing sections of language and slang in their own notebooks, I've got a long outline of the main storyline up on my wall . . . I'm doing everything BUT writing the damned story! ::laughs:: I did get the rough draft of the intro out of the way, but I look up into Eiri's eyes, and I feel so unworthy to be writing about Aithne, Eila, and the rest of them. At this rate, The Taking of Eila Corbin may not take off, it's somewhat timely since our timeline happens not too far from 2000.

I need someone to whip me along, forcing me to pour out what I know is in me . . . somewhere DEEP in me . . . When I tap into that well I can create magnificence, but lately, it's drudgery, trying to get through part two of a book I find so painful. But it HAS TO GET OUT! The following books we have ideas/plans for are so wonderful, but it doesn't do me any good to try to write them until I have the first one out and over with. I have to make sure my continuity checks don't bounce.

And, ohhh . . . I think pretty-Raoul has a LiveJournal account, but I'm waiting for an e-mail response before I can confirm it. Mmmm . . . he's so "tasty" (as Roy would say), and I loved each and every time I got to nuzzle/snuggle him. I wish I weren't so damned afraid of Canthe? Is he still even with her? ::reality slap:: Oh, yeah, Ana . . . like I have time to be that social right now, anyway. Phooey! Ah, but the thoughts keep coming . . . ::purrs::

Yes, Mom, I do need to get laid! Got anyone in mind? I mean, besides the pretty boys in Germany and Monaco you keep mentioning, anyone in say, the greater Seattle area? ::wink, wink, nudge, nudge:: Promise, I won't hurt them . . . much. ::smirks:: I don't think I could remember to be gentle at this point. ::giggles::

Somehow, I don't feel like I've said what I really must, and yet I'm not sure what it is. Everything above feels so trite right now, and I'm feeling jittery. Wonder why. ::shrugs:: If my throat didn't hurt right now I might go meditate and find out, but, blah! I keep swinging from powerful goddess mode to confused mortal, from shinging bright within my centre to worthless obsessive freak. Maybe I should take Eiri Yuki's picture down from my relationship corner. I find myself looking up and feeling totally worthless. God, but that's insanity! I'm worried what the picture of fictional character thinks of me! ::shakes head:: I can't wait for Ana to wake up, I could use the hug . . .

And no, I'm not depressed, just . . . wandering around in my thoughts and emotions, trying to find my balance.
neversremedy8: (indigosm)
... to let everyone know how much I adore Aveline! She's so sweet and brilliant! ::hugs Ave tightly:: Thank you for your support, darling! ::kisses cheek::

Oh, and your timely post was a blessing.

-----

Ah, yes... NOW I see it... let's see if this works, the front cover of my book...


Yes, I'm still awake at this ungodly hour with my run-down post-nasal dripish feeling and an alarm set for 6am (and a baby set for 5am)... I'm nuts, but... I keep reminding myself: JUST LET GO!
neversremedy8: (Default)
...and writers bearing sell sheets and press releases. ::sighs::

Well, Ana's got an ear infection, I've got *something* making me feel lousy, tomorrow's my welfare review (though I don't know whose welfare they're concerned with).

Sitting before me are several pages of "How to's". How-to write a sell sheet (what, am I a prostitute?), how-to write a press release, how-to write a query letter, and how-to set up a book signing. All of them scare the crap out of me.

Speaking of feces, Ana decided tonight it was a great idea to take off her diaper, hand it to David, hang on to the coffee table and release waste all over the living room carpet. Of course, I was in the kitchen at the time, and unable to stop this from happening. Clean-up was most fun. ::big smile, like you mean it::
David reports it was the most shocked he's been in a long time (keep in mind she did it *right* in front of his view). What a protest!

Peach pits.

Animaniacs: "Mr. Churchill, may we jump up and down on your stomach?"
Churchill: "OK"
Animaniacs: "Boingy-boingy-boingy"
(And then Stalin wanted to join in)
Stalin (deeper voice): "Boingy-boingy-boingy"

So, no, I'm not well in my mind, I'm finding my hair in the drain after one bath, and I think I need a little stress-releaser... mom says I need to get laid, Roy confers. (He attributes my recent fires to the amount of sexual frustration I'm accumulating... he's probably right.)

As for the Year of the Horse, I was mortified to discover I was wrong when I went shouting out that it starts on the second of February... it doesn't. Yes, Candlemas (Brigit, Imbolc) is scheduled for that day, but the New Year doesn't start until the 12th! Ahhhhh! Someone help me!

SprintPCS is trying to screw me (still), they confirm that they sent the check (a month after my Voice Mail message said they would), but it should have only taken 3 business days... it's been *much* longer. (In case you don't know, I had a SprintPCS phone for ten days and sent it back with angry protests. It worked great as a date book, an address book, a secure informational storage unit, but not as a phone. I sent it back, and was supposed to receive a reimbursement check for my initial payment sometime at the end of August... it's January, and I still don't have the check!)

If Sprint PCS wants to screw me, why don't they come over and do so! Argh, I'm going to turn back into a pumpkin on the 28th, and I don't see anyone around here named Peter ready to eat me! ::smirks::

Received a VERY nice card with cute pictures of Mike and Marcie, two friends from EQ, hopefully I'll remember to write to them soon and thank them... if not, at least I posted my thanks and gratitude here! Oh, and a very loud "awwww...." for the picture of them together. The biggest smiles you ever saw.

I should go now, leave David to his computers, relinquish them back and never return... well, not never, but not soon.... well, maybe soon, but... Forget it! I'll be back here slavering all over the keyboards as soon as I can. I'm such a computer junkie, I really act like such a drug addict. Each use is like a little fix. ::slaps vein:: Just plug me in!!!

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