Hm.

"Raven, do you know how to look sad?"

Nancy woke me out of my dreamy, melancholic stupor as I walked into work today and got me laughing. I could still feel his kisses and I didn't want to erase that feeling. But there is much to do, and I must shift my focus, no matter how much I want to dwell on what is out of my hands.

Had disturbing, sexual dreams last night, for which I think there is no dream dictionary's simple explanation. Perhaps I will write more later, but truly they were quite ill in their contextual forms.

VIRGO, TUESDAY: Lightheartedness and laughter bring a sense of grounding and healing to your day, allowing you to cast off concerns you have no control over and turn to the new options awaiting your attention. Tonight's Pisces Moon awakens your creative side, and you take up an art or favorite pastime with new inspiration and drive.

Maybe I might write something this evening. It is highly possible.

Note to self: study for driver's permit before Friday.

and I came home to find his sweet little post-its on my desk

::le sigh::

I realized while working on job search today that recently I've been rather blind to what's coming up in my life. I am aware of the moment quite clearly . . . and the potential of the day. Sometimes even of the week ahead. But when I try to see past that time, my usual intuition of where I might be, what I might be doing and feeling at that time, is completely blank. Not even a hazy recognition of what is to come. Without this forecasting I feel a sense of fear as though walking forward into a fog that may lead me off dangerous cliffs. The only sense I have is that somehow my basic needs will be met, and I will be in some other job working to make ends meet. Beyond that, I know not what position I will fill, in what area I will work, how much I might make . . . nor can I see or sense when I will next have a partner, whether romantic, sexual, or more, except that I have plans to meet with perse around Labor Day, and it gives me hope. But I'm nervous about screwing everything up with her as well, as I'm rather out of practice in being with women. I feel very awkward, and with so many people rejecting me sexually of late, I'm questioning my very abilities even with men.

Ah, but I understand the reasons of the last person, and I know that it was out of respect of all concerned that nothing happened beyond what did.

Still . . . I am wondering just how long this dry spell will last. How long must I await even the satsifcation of my body?

Murr.

Each day I work for Jeffrey is another day I nearly exhaust myself. I have never before sought to be so exacting in my work when it was not for myself, and never before have I wished to proven to myself my abilities to handle challenges. When I go off to do job search, I feel like all of the jobs that the employers think I'm qualified for are beneath my abilities, and I'm off begging for crumbs when I should be served cheesecake on a silver plate.

My job these days consists of actually two positions that I handle at once. I come into the Student Success office, and am there to answer questions, help at the window, direct the staff and provide projects for them. I go to the Multicultural department for which I am actually being paid to do, and my duties are to manage the staff and their projects, re-organize Jeffrey's entire office and the way he handles the various aspects of his job, teach him to be more assertive as an employer, more efficient as a part of the system, and more willing to ask for help from those he's paying to assist him. Then he leaves for a day or more, and all of his duties with his staff fall to me. I cannot advise students or give them the guidance he does, but I am required to take the reigns of his workstudy employees and keep everything running smoothly. I am, in essence, not only his Administrative Assitant, but also the temporary manager of his entire department. Yet I don't even make $10 an hour, and I only work 16 hours a week . . . or at least that's what I get paid for, for I often come early and stay late without pay or benefits. This is very personally rewarding, and when I'm working I don't even think of the money involved--I don't care, but when I go to do the job search, that demeaning task of having someone tell me what to look for and how and then not trust me to do it, it enrages me to think of how I cannot continue on in the position for which I seem so well suited.

Nevertheless, Jeffrey recognizes all that I do, and because I finished the student handbook for next year on my own and now have managed to ensure (thanks to the great help of those who actually showed up for work) that tomorrow we will have a successful Scholarship Fair, for which we only had a few days to truly work on coordinating it. Thus, he has insisted that this Friday we will go to lunch together, and that the restaurant will be a "surprise" and very "special."

. . .

I had let my heart forget what it's like to taste at love, and now that it has tasted again, it is famished for the regularity of its sustenance.

Meanwhile my body dreams of a passionate-beastly lover to sate its own hunger.

( Meme: It is a conspiracy, I have proof )

The Double-Edge

"As war will come from the essential tension within all peace, so peace will come from the exhuastion of war. War brings forth from human beings their highest possibilities and prepares the way for new life, as day illuminates night, and this is why men and women love it as they do. But as night devours the day war also cancels the possibilities of precious lives, and so mothers and warriors and young children staring at hydrogen fireballs burning the sky rightly hate it as the greatest of evils."

~David Zindell, War in Heaven

Middle Earth Ball

(last entry, I hope, before bed)

Middle Earth Ball

Ah, but it would be nice to go to both, but how many babysitters can I manage to find in so many consecutive weeks? Already I will miss Danger Curves this coming weekend to hold the preciousness of baby sisters.

Also a shame that when they say "all ages" they do not mean three year old girls dressed as cute Frodos.

Alas, alas.