Troy.

Troy.

My jaw is still clenched from watching it.

* * * * *

Speaking to jodawi afterwards led me to purge a little of the tension.

( Conversation )

Something in me remembers the feel of a sword in my hand, plunging into the chests of others. The same image surfaces--for four years now I have keenly felt it in me like a tempting ghost. Oh the wars I have seen.

* * * * *

Jeffrey and I went to lunch today at Ray's Boathouse. I lied to him and told him I'd never been--in truth I'd been once with my father, but it's hard to enjoy a good restaurant or anyone for that matter with him along. We enjoyed an hour or more on the deck in the sun eating various fishies and silly drinks. He waxed poetic about the sun on his back, and I knew I would never have him then. I knew it all along, but as I've made clear, I prefer my fantasies. They favor me more often.

He has taken the challenge upon himself to convince me that I am a very skilled person and need to find my confidence so that I will stop sabotaging my own life. He leaned back in his chair and looked at me and said, "You are highly skilled, and though I am extremely grateful to have you working for me, you should not be anyone's assistant. A degree is not the most important thing in getting a job. Belief in yourself is." Afterwards, he let the sun kiss him for a while before saying anything else. "What can I do to help you see that?"

We talked a long while about my confidence issues. How far I've come, and how much more I have yet to do. When we got back in his car, he continued to bolster me by saying, "Thank you for all that you do. I don't say it often enough." You say it almost every day. "And too often I get bubbleheaded and don't notice all the details. I forget the details and don't thank you for it all. You deserve much more than this lunch."

I would like to say this led to some wonderful kiss, but no. We spent the rest of our time walking down Ballard Avenue eating Ben & Jerry's with our arms around the other's waist. Our conversation frequently went back to plants, trees, and gardens since they are his greatest passion outside of helping others. He used to be a park ranger, but he gave up one dream for another, so he keeps a little park for himself around his house.

The greatest gift he gave me was finally telling me his partner's first name, and saying we would have to go out again. How enjoyable it was to simply hang out outside of work.

I took Ana to Troy because I could. Matinee prices on opening night.

* * * * *

My father comes tomorrow, and my ears have decided to fill with fluid and begin draining that in the most painful ways into my throat. I am horribly sunburnt along my shoulders. I want to be in battle. I want to lead . . . and that is never a good sign.

On the way home from the movie, I felt this urge to throw my heavy bag into the window of a business I do not like because of its owner's political beliefs. I wanted to show the power within me in the most blatant and destructive of ways.

I am not happy with my body. I wish to reach my physical potential by age 30. I want to be a physical adept, but I am aware that my body may not take me that far. Nevertheless, it is my desire to see my body at its peak. How I achieve this, I've yet to figure out.

* * * * *

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you, and I think I've brought something to life in the world that I did not intend, but will bring a light and wildness I have yet to understand. Where are you? I miss you so. Oh, darling, when will we meet? I wish you could read my words and know me.

* * * * *

I am almost ready. Just one more Herculean task--a battle with myself--and I will be ready. Where is my sword?