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...
So I dreamt that I was part of a college dorm and frat/soro--I blame the setting on CSI--and at the end of the dream, Roy became upset with some behavior from earlier in the dream and threatened to leave me. Of all things, I think we were some type of royalty and expected to uphold certain standards as examples to the people. There were archaelogical digs that unearthed our former selves' corpses in their coffins or tombs. All around the winding roads and hills of the college (which sat at the pinnacle of the tallest hill). I cried profusely and begged him to stay, and though he agreed to stay for another night, I am not certain if I could keep him longer.
When I awoke I understood just how much of his leaving in real life I blame on myself, when in all likelihood it had little to nothing to do with me except in the sense of being one of many people who made demands upon him in some fashion. From all of my experience with him, I have no reason to believe that he was ever truly disappointed in me, but here was this dream, and it showed to me how much I still had not gotten over his leaving. He needs to heal, certainly, but it was hard to imagine him out of my life by his choice ... that he could leave the apartment he'd been living in for years. How selfish, eh?
So I acknowledged it fully while I showered in the dark (why turn on the lights before 7am?) ... the feelings of loss and abandonment, and the constant screaming from at least one part of my body for his attention. Ahem. Anyway, it's just another part of the healing process in the grand scheme of my life. I just had to say, "look at that fear I had, that insecurity. It's ok, it's not your fault. Of course you miss him, you miss everyone you love who leaves. Of course you can't stop loving a person once you begin ... he's still in your heart." And so on, and so forth.
Not sure how to put much of my feelings into words today. Another week before Mercury goes direct. Bloody hell, it'll slow down soon and I'll be lucky to get anything more than "barrleglahehd" out. I don't know what Jeffrey wanted from me today at the impromptu meeting, but I could barely interact in there. Need time to rest and reflect again, yet I'm supposed to be productive today. I have to reorganize the collective drive for the student government into something comprehensive and easily navigated because apparently all of these student "leaders" can't figure out how to make a few folders that say things like "club resources" and "meeting minutes 2004-05." ::rolls eyes:: At least this means I'll have some hours to work in January.
So, I have an account with deviantArt, and now I'm regreting the name I chose (DreamingMuse), and am trying to think of a new one. It should start with "Pinstriped" I believe, just ... erm ... having a hard time with the rest of the name. Thus, I ask that you take my poll! This is becoming a rather boring entry, ain't it?
[Poll #402613]
So I dreamt that I was part of a college dorm and frat/soro--I blame the setting on CSI--and at the end of the dream, Roy became upset with some behavior from earlier in the dream and threatened to leave me. Of all things, I think we were some type of royalty and expected to uphold certain standards as examples to the people. There were archaelogical digs that unearthed our former selves' corpses in their coffins or tombs. All around the winding roads and hills of the college (which sat at the pinnacle of the tallest hill). I cried profusely and begged him to stay, and though he agreed to stay for another night, I am not certain if I could keep him longer.
When I awoke I understood just how much of his leaving in real life I blame on myself, when in all likelihood it had little to nothing to do with me except in the sense of being one of many people who made demands upon him in some fashion. From all of my experience with him, I have no reason to believe that he was ever truly disappointed in me, but here was this dream, and it showed to me how much I still had not gotten over his leaving. He needs to heal, certainly, but it was hard to imagine him out of my life by his choice ... that he could leave the apartment he'd been living in for years. How selfish, eh?
So I acknowledged it fully while I showered in the dark (why turn on the lights before 7am?) ... the feelings of loss and abandonment, and the constant screaming from at least one part of my body for his attention. Ahem. Anyway, it's just another part of the healing process in the grand scheme of my life. I just had to say, "look at that fear I had, that insecurity. It's ok, it's not your fault. Of course you miss him, you miss everyone you love who leaves. Of course you can't stop loving a person once you begin ... he's still in your heart." And so on, and so forth.
Not sure how to put much of my feelings into words today. Another week before Mercury goes direct. Bloody hell, it'll slow down soon and I'll be lucky to get anything more than "barrleglahehd" out. I don't know what Jeffrey wanted from me today at the impromptu meeting, but I could barely interact in there. Need time to rest and reflect again, yet I'm supposed to be productive today. I have to reorganize the collective drive for the student government into something comprehensive and easily navigated because apparently all of these student "leaders" can't figure out how to make a few folders that say things like "club resources" and "meeting minutes 2004-05." ::rolls eyes:: At least this means I'll have some hours to work in January.
So, I have an account with deviantArt, and now I'm regreting the name I chose (DreamingMuse), and am trying to think of a new one. It should start with "Pinstriped" I believe, just ... erm ... having a hard time with the rest of the name. Thus, I ask that you take my poll! This is becoming a rather boring entry, ain't it?
[Poll #402613]
