Totally Crushing on Physicists Right Now

A Brief, Brief History of Time by queennell:

Chapter I: Our Picture of the Universe

Newton: Haaaaaang on a minute. If I’ve got gravity holding shit together, I don’t need Aristotle’s crystal balls. This means that the stars might be, like, really far away. And, like, go on for ever.

Newton’s flatmate: WTF d00d, stay off the wild mushrooms!

Newton: But, right, if they go on forever, then my shiny gravity means that the Universe will collapse under its own weight.

Newton’s flatmate: Seriously, Isaac, no more opium on your cornflakes.

Chapter II: Space and Time

LATER, SOME CLEVER DUDE CALLED ROEMER DISCOVERED THAT LIGHT ACTUALLY TRAVELS WITH A DEFINITE SPEED. THIS CAME AS A BIT OF A SHOCK, AS EVERYONE THOUGHT IT TRAVELLED KINDA INSTANTANEOUSLY. A GUY CALLED MAXWELL FIGURED OUT WHAT THE SPEED WAS, AND LO, IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING FAST.

Maxwell: Fuck me, that’s fast.

Chapter III: The Expanding Universe

Hawking: You know you can’t actually have a time=infinite, don’t you.

The Ghost of Friedmann: Yes, but how else am I to explain the decay at an asymptote?

Hawking: *stomps* I’ll just shut up then, shall I? *sulks*

The Universe: Oh, please, as if you could.

Hawking: *glares*

Chapter IV: The Uncertainty Principle

Heisenberg: Well, this is a brave new world we live in.

Schrodinger: Yes, we broke physics again! Aren’t we precious!

Dirac: *nods sagely*

Heisenberg: But we fixed it.

Schrodinger: *jumps up and down like a small child* Yeah! Just like Newton and Einstein totalled absolute space and absolute time, we totalled absolute position and absolute velocity!

Dirac: *nods sagely*

Now I need a pair of kittens. I'll call one Dicke and the other Peebles, and I'll dress them in 19th century English attire and draw a web comic about their misadventures in physics!