Pain and Sorrow

[neversremedy8]

It would seem some things that have held me, made me afraid to make decisions are slowly being torn from me so that I no longer have those ties to bind me here. Seattle could be a place to leave more easily. Though I make new and wonderful friends, certain people pull further away until I wonder when it was they truly left. I think I am finding myself unfettered by partners so that a decision will be easier made about where to live my life. I no longer have lovers or partners. Not here in Seattle; not anywhere. There are friends I would not wish to leave, and I would not like to see my grandmother wither alone with only her daughters to look after her. But maybe I won't be here in two or three years. I didn't expect to end my evening in tears, bashing my fist into my desk, but that is what saying good bye to something beautiful feels like. Like smashing small finger bones into wood. Like choking on something at the back of the throat you just can't swallow. Whatever did I expect from any of you that leave? Certainly not that we might end this life together; it was a fool's dream.

Wherever this road leads, I will have to walk it alone with Ana.