Communication, Honesty, and Expectation
Sep. 20th, 2009 02:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neversremedy8Take this as you will, since it comes from someone never married who may never get married.
It baffles me how many people there are (in this country alone) who get married without ever discussing with their soon-to-be-spouse about what marriage means to them and what expectations they have for a spouse.*
How can anyone expect to have a happy marriage, if they never express what to them a happy marriage would be? A friend of mine is currently struggling as she witnesses two people who have decided to get married, yet already they do not communicate about their feelings, expectations, or boundaries. While such things often change over the course of a lifetime (and a relationship), that relationship already has an expiration date on it because nothing is expressed except as an emotional outburst after something displeasing has occurred, complete with anger that the other partner didn't know the first partner's expectations (despite not having expressed them).
I've certainly been a part of relationships that involve a lack of communication, and have even gotten into relationships with people knowing that it would be an aspect of our involvement. It's not smart of me, but I do my best to be aware and provide honesty and communication as an example. However, I would never consider marriage with anyone at this point in my life if I did not have reciprocal, honest communication with a partner. It just won't work. I'm baffled at the multitude of people--young and old--who choose to bind themselves emotionally, physically, and financially with those with whom they have no conversations involving defining what it is they want and need in their relationship.
Am I the only one who finds it frustrating?
*(I acknowledge that this is often not even a factor in cultures where marriages are clearly defined and/or are established by families rather than individuals.)
And now for something completely different:
It baffles me how many people there are (in this country alone) who get married without ever discussing with their soon-to-be-spouse about what marriage means to them and what expectations they have for a spouse.*
How can anyone expect to have a happy marriage, if they never express what to them a happy marriage would be? A friend of mine is currently struggling as she witnesses two people who have decided to get married, yet already they do not communicate about their feelings, expectations, or boundaries. While such things often change over the course of a lifetime (and a relationship), that relationship already has an expiration date on it because nothing is expressed except as an emotional outburst after something displeasing has occurred, complete with anger that the other partner didn't know the first partner's expectations (despite not having expressed them).
I've certainly been a part of relationships that involve a lack of communication, and have even gotten into relationships with people knowing that it would be an aspect of our involvement. It's not smart of me, but I do my best to be aware and provide honesty and communication as an example. However, I would never consider marriage with anyone at this point in my life if I did not have reciprocal, honest communication with a partner. It just won't work. I'm baffled at the multitude of people--young and old--who choose to bind themselves emotionally, physically, and financially with those with whom they have no conversations involving defining what it is they want and need in their relationship.
Am I the only one who finds it frustrating?
*(I acknowledge that this is often not even a factor in cultures where marriages are clearly defined and/or are established by families rather than individuals.)
And now for something completely different:
El perro, el perro, es mi corazón.
El gato, el gato, el gato no es bueno.
Cilantro es cantante,
Cilantro es muy famoso
Cilantro es el hombre con el queso del diablo.
El perro, el perro, es nunca sin raison
El gato, el gato, el gato es obseno
Cilantro es caliente
Cilantro es carinoso
Cilantro le da besos mejor de su esposo
~ "Cilantro/El Perro" written by Dan Navarro for Family Guy (guitar tabs here)
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-20 10:43 pm (UTC)I think most of us who tread into marriage do so with the best of intentions... I really do.
That may not be the best thing, but it works sometimes...
Very thoughtful here, sweetie.
:)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-20 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-20 11:22 pm (UTC)but marriage? well it's so cultural, how can anyone judge/compare?? Marriages in some places are arranged, wholly or in part - and with very specific contractual obligations (!!). Yet many of these are successful and long lasting.
The US still has the highest rate for serial monogamy which includes via marriage (although it is not alone in percentage terms). So...
and in real terms, individual terms, human terms - well, expectations CHANGE. That's the tough thing. But it's natural because people change!
I think it's guts and comfortability. I know people whose marriages were grim and joyless until very late in life but once the stress and responsibility of employment and parenthood are lifted - pow! sudden ability to care for themselves and each other. And i know couples for whom the complete reverse is true.
i suppose that at the end of the day i can only speak personally and i guess my feeling/instinct is that the joy of discovery is only possible when removed from the burden of expectation.
But just as walking the wilderness or exploring jungle is often hard sweaty or dangerous work - so is partnership in ANY form. But that should not lesson the pleasure of the adventure in itself.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-21 04:04 am (UTC)I don't know if this is a Libra thing or what, but we both like to be very, very certain about where we both stand on things, so we just talk about all kinds of stuff, all the time.