Reflections on "The Trouble with 'It Just Happened'"

[neversremedy8]

(link to article)

This is advice I sorely need to take. Not that things "just happen" to me anymore (I'm conscious and responsible for my decisions, even when they're the wrong ones), but rather, I need to to start making decisions that honor who I am. There are wonderful people in my life to whom I can't say no, even though I don't feel comfortable with their actions. There's a lot mixed in with that: a submissive-streak, enjoyment of receiving praise, and a desire to not offend or hurt the other person.

Frankly, I turn into my blushing 10-year-old self, and at 10, I didn't know who I was, what I wanted needed, or how to ask for it (or say "no" when offered a choice that didn't honor me). But I was an excellent teacher's pet, kept quiet a lot of the time, and was eager to please, even at my own detriment. Receiving approval meant more to me than being hurt or uncomfortable, and sometimes, when I'm starved for affection, it still does. This often translates as a love of flirting, even when I have zero desire to engage with the person sexually, but I don't state that for fear of losing the emotional boost flirting provides.

I've spent the last year working to understand my body, improve it, and seek ways to be healthier, to minimize the impact disability has on my life. I'm proud of my small successes, and I can also see there's a long way to go, both physically and emotionally. It starts, I believe, with me deciding in each small moment to give critical pause to the choice offered, and consider it in light of my experiences and needs.

Comments

[wytchcroft.livejournal.com]

just leave room for a little spontaneous joy in the moment - and i can't argue with anything you've said here.

i realise how personal to you this is but all the same, you're not the only one proud of you! :)

[neversremedy.livejournal.com]

It's the spontaneous joy that can be all-consuming, and I think, leads more often to the "just happened" scenario than the non-consensual examples given in the article. However, it's the spontaneity that often leads to joy, but if I get swept up in something I know from the start isn't right for me, then it only leads to sorrow and discomfort.

And thank you, your encouragement and care always mean the world to me.

I took this post further (and on a specific, deliberate tangent -- one thing inspiring another) in an adult forum, which I often neglect. If you're interested in reading it, you can find it at ThinkKinkNet (http://thinkkinknet.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/the-invisible-switch/).

[betsycontent.livejournal.com]

sadly, much of my younger life--including marrying your father--"just happened" to me (though i wouldn't take it back or you wouldn't have been born). certainly true for marriages 1 and 3 as well. it wasn't until marriage 4 that i finally got my act together--and it's paradise compared to those relationships where i just went with the flow.

[rubberduckgrrl.livejournal.com]

You are still on the journey forward, so hope remains. Each little step takes us one bit closer to where we all want to be. ♥

[resplendentposy.livejournal.com]

I can totally relate to the not being able to say no thing and needing others' approval. I'm starting to realize that saying no and being upfront about how I feel can actually be the better choice than trying not to hurt someone's feelings by giving a wishy-washy answer which just makes things more uncomfortable. Was proud of myself for actually working up the guts to politely turn a guy down when I saw things were headed in that awkward direction. I felt a lot better afterwards, but, yeah, it took some courage to do it.

I'm reading the book The Windup Girl by Paolo Bacigalupi, and I can see some of the windup girl in myself. She's been bioengineered to be subservient, lives to please, and finds herself fighting against her nature and trying to do what's right for herself. It's a pretty good book, kind of post-near-apocalyptic gearpunk. I've tended to let others direct me, particularly in relationships, and I think I need to learn to analyze for myself what I really want and make choices, letting my voice be heard. Just going with the flow doesn't always lead me in the right direction and I've been hurt because of it. I think I'm growing though, but it can be hard to break from those habits.