Dec. 4th, 2011

neversremedy8: (Lolita Complex)
(link to article)

This is advice I sorely need to take. Not that things "just happen" to me anymore (I'm conscious and responsible for my decisions, even when they're the wrong ones), but rather, I need to to start making decisions that honor who I am. There are wonderful people in my life to whom I can't say no, even though I don't feel comfortable with their actions. There's a lot mixed in with that: a submissive-streak, enjoyment of receiving praise, and a desire to not offend or hurt the other person.

Frankly, I turn into my blushing 10-year-old self, and at 10, I didn't know who I was, what I wanted needed, or how to ask for it (or say "no" when offered a choice that didn't honor me). But I was an excellent teacher's pet, kept quiet a lot of the time, and was eager to please, even at my own detriment. Receiving approval meant more to me than being hurt or uncomfortable, and sometimes, when I'm starved for affection, it still does. This often translates as a love of flirting, even when I have zero desire to engage with the person sexually, but I don't state that for fear of losing the emotional boost flirting provides.

I've spent the last year working to understand my body, improve it, and seek ways to be healthier, to minimize the impact disability has on my life. I'm proud of my small successes, and I can also see there's a long way to go, both physically and emotionally. It starts, I believe, with me deciding in each small moment to give critical pause to the choice offered, and consider it in light of my experiences and needs.

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