Giving Myself Closure

To some of the lovers of my past,

I may not have been your soulmate, but you accepted me as your lover; you had no right to show such disdain at my presence and affection, for if I was not your soulmate, neither were you mine, yet I gave my love and attention without the arrogance and bitterness that you each gave me. May you experience what you have given. Be well.

In loving memory,
Raven

P.S.
Suck my cock.

Status

Had first lesson. Couldn't help but check a page or two of Chinese while doing German lessons. Hehehehe. Just hook it to my veins!

Am thinking that should I go back to college--and I'm learning so much on my own, I have serious doubts I want to--I will join an Anthropology program because it includes so much of the sociocultural stuff I want to learn including linguistics and human sexuality. :) I could use it however I wanted to and fill my brain with much knowledge!!! Bwhahahaa. Still want to get massage license and learn about essential oils. Wish I could do it without a year in high priced school. Want to learn herbalism quite well, become wise woman, and help! help! help! I wouldn't have even considered Anthropology except a tarot reader insisted I look into it, and I talked to some academic peoples and they said it sounded good for me, and then I talked to the UW Anthropology person at a transfer fair and she wanted to talk to me, even if I didn't want to join the college because I seemed really cool. :) :) :)

Skin is itchy. Very itchy. And peeling. Less achy, still lump-like tired; am hungry hungry hippo. Less swelling and redness of nose, no new icky blisters, but itchy, itchy, itchy. I do not touch. I do not scratch. I do not pick. I just rub my forehead and hair and hope that the rubby-rubby will transfer good feelings to the itchy-itchy.

Am ate all chocolate treats from jodawi. Naughty, but am at hormonoal height of menustral cycle and chocolate is needed. Yum-yum.

Probably not going to head out Tuesday for Mardi Gras celebration, so here is my proposal. jodawi, who is in need of getting out of house even more than I am: go to costume, display, and supply and buy a mask. Put mask on with cloak and nifty clothes and head to the Vogue at 9pm on Tuesday. Go see cryfordawn in her burlesque show as Ruby Storm with the Burning Hearts Burlesque, and report back to me so that I might live in blistering vicariousness. She is beauty and evening promises decandent fun, so you go forth and partake in my name! And anyone else in Seattle who can head up that way! Now! I order you! Because even in my gold mask, I will probably feel lousy on Tuesday. IF this is not the case, then I will sneak out for two-three hours and enjoy self. Wish, wish.

Also wish to have money enough to go to Norwescon this year. MUST GO. Have reserved two nights of hotel room, but not yet bought my badge and no clue how to afford hotel unless sudden job or tax refund come my way. Problem? Too sick for interviews, and no W-2s have been sent to me. BAD Siegal Center. Need tax refund. Mucho, mucho cash. Grr.

Am reading Carlos Casteneda. He's a dumbass, but I like his teacher. Mom says Carlos reminds her of my father, and father identified with Carlos when he read it. How hard is it to suspend one's belief that the universe is all you can look at and is concrete/static? How hard is it to say, "maybe there is something more that I do not see, let me STFU and find out?" Apparently, it's very hard for people who approach peyote and shaman mysticism with the same attitude they do parallel electrons. Moron. He spent years with Don Juan and learned very little it seems.

He said that he had established the idea that an ally could not be seen because an ally adopted any form. When I pointed out that he had once also said that Mescalito adopted any form, don Juan dropped the whole conversation, saying that the "seeing" to which he was referring was not the ordinary "looking at things" and that my confusion stemmed from my insistence on talking.

Tired, tired. Need to rest and make pancakes. BIG STACK. Then hopefully sated. Maybe not, though. tired, tired, itch, itch, hunger.

Thought I had early this week when I finished reading Lenny Bruce's How to Talk Dirty and Influence People:

I've grown up in a time when "cocksucker" is already an outdated insult in a verbal fight, and a poor attempt at starting a physical one.

... and yet he got arrested and tried over 19 times for saying cocksucker and speaking out against organized religion. :P

Pain and Sorrow

It would seem some things that have held me, made me afraid to make decisions are slowly being torn from me so that I no longer have those ties to bind me here. Seattle could be a place to leave more easily. Though I make new and wonderful friends, certain people pull further away until I wonder when it was they truly left. I think I am finding myself unfettered by partners so that a decision will be easier made about where to live my life. I no longer have lovers or partners. Not here in Seattle; not anywhere. There are friends I would not wish to leave, and I would not like to see my grandmother wither alone with only her daughters to look after her. But maybe I won't be here in two or three years. I didn't expect to end my evening in tears, bashing my fist into my desk, but that is what saying good bye to something beautiful feels like. Like smashing small finger bones into wood. Like choking on something at the back of the throat you just can't swallow. Whatever did I expect from any of you that leave? Certainly not that we might end this life together; it was a fool's dream.

Wherever this road leads, I will have to walk it alone with Ana.